Friday, 19 March 2010

Under the knife....

Well, found out yesterday that I need surgery on my damaged wrist. Turns out my thumb has come out of its joint and needs to be reconstructed and made secure.

I'm scared.

It's under general anaesthetic and will involve taking a piece of tendon from my wrist to use on the joint. I hate having general anaesthetic, it scares me that I'm just asleep and I don't know whats going on. I also get very sick on it which I hate as I have a phobia of throwing up. I'm worried it'll go wrong. OK it's only my hand and not my leg of foot or something, it's not majorly career threatening but it's yet more time off, another 6 weeks.

This is becoming too much, I can't claim to be a dancer when I spend more time properly injured, or in chronic pain than I do actually dancing. I'm losing so much strength and I know my body is weak. I am close to giving up, I want to be a dancer so so so much! But I've had 6 serious injuries in the last 6 years:

Dislodged sacroiliac joint
Broken foot + surgery
Dislocated shoulder + further problems
Dislocated knee cap
Inflammation of my hip
Now the elbow and wrist breakages.

How am I supposed to get into a show and survive intense rehearsals if my body can't cope with normal dancing? I worry about this every day. There's quite a few auditions coming up, west end (Flashdance) and cruises all I should be doing but I can't!!

I get the life of a dancer is hard, people get injured but I've had my fill and I don't know what to do any more. Should I re-train in pure Musical Theatre? Go to somewhere like RAM, or Mountview or something? Do my Masters in MT so I can get my voice and acting stronger. This was I wouldn't be relying on my dancing to get me work. OK I can sing and act but no where near the standard needed. I'm being totally honest with myself, I know I'm not good enough, but I want it so badly!

I also want to look into Masters courses in America, New York specifically, but that costs money and their courses are usually 2 years and I don't wanna be back in education for that long. ARGH I don't know what to do. This is yet another blow for me, I know everyone I know is gonna think 'Oh she's injured again, she'll never make it'. People I meet, I say I'm a dancer but then have to explain that the only job I've had is Disney. I have friends in the West End already FFS.

Jack of all trades, master of none? I'm beginning to think it might be true. I'm a good dancer, when fully fit, ok singer, average actress, ok flautist and musician, average photographer. Nothing is exceptional. It needs to be in this world.

I've been spending time watching all my favourite MT and dance clips. They used to make me happy but now they just make me sad. Nothing inspires me anymore.

This is the only thing that inspires me at the moment. This is just a rehearsal. I saw this production of Hair on Broadway last year, and got to dance on stage with the cast. I can safely say it's the happiest I've ever been.

This is one of the most beautiful pieces of dance I've ever seen also.

So for now I feel lost. I suppose I need to get my body fixed before making any decisions, but I'm just waiting for the next thing to go wrong. I'm 2 years post-graduation, where's my big break?!