There are certain things in life that only happen in affluent areas of London, Chelsea being one of them.
My current injured state requires me to visit a hospital in Chelsea every week, which is usually followed by coffee or lunch amongst Chelsea's finest stereotypes.
White trousers, regardless of the weather.
Loafers as far as the eye can see.
Dogs being carried like babies.
Glamorous older ladies top to toe in matching couture.
Enormous leather bags with nothing in them.
Middle aged women who's faces show no emotion or signs of movement.
Mafia men wannabes with oily slick back hair, sunglasses, blue jeans and white shirts.
Now I'm a little scared to run around with my iPhone taking pictures of each if these stereotypes, the security guards probably wouldn't approve of my casual observations! But next time you're in Chelsea, or Primrose Hill or Hampstead just sit, have a coffee and count the cliches.
It might be fun. I <3 people watching (and I'm kinda jealous, if I had the money, I'd probably end up the same)!
I have seen this crime far too many times in my 24 years on this planet. It is worse than any celebrity fashion victim, worse than a VPL, even worse than the increase of the camel toe!!
What am I talking about? What has my iPhone camera been witness to this morning, and so many other mornings?
This......
Oh yes I'm talking...no ranting...about TRAINERS AND SKIRTS!!!!
It's everywhere and I cannot understand it. Ok well I understand the need to not wear heels to and from work (even though I do) but there is never a need for hideous trainers and a nice smart skirt, even worse with a summer dress.
This is what ballet flats were invented for!!
They're inexpensive, come in all sorts if colours and, actually take up less room in your bag during the day!
Check out www.redfootrevolution.co.uk Cute ballet pumps that fold up into your bag. 100s of colours!!
Make up your mind to explore yourself. Make up your mind you have stories to tell. Search in your past for what sorrows may last Then make up your mind to be well.
Make up your mind to live stronger now. Make up your mind, let the truth be revealed. Admit what you've lost and live with the cost, At times it does hurt to be healed.
Make up your mind you want clarity. Take what you know and then make it make sense. Admit what you fear and soon it comes clear The visions are just your defense.
Make up your mind to be free at last. Make up your mind to be truly alive. Embrace what's inside, replace what has died And make up your mind to survive.
I didn't write this, it's adapted from the song 'Make up your mind/Catch me I'm falling' from the Broadway show 'Next to Normal'.
This song is part if a woman's therapy for coping with her son's death and her own bipolar state. I find the lyrics worth reading and actually quite inspiring. Having mental health problems and depression isn't always your fault, but to get better a decision must be made.....so make up your mind and listen to the words. I did.
Well, so I had surgery, neglected my blogging for a while (purely cos my life felt so boring why would I wanna share it?) and then thought, why not tell my story through the eyes of my iPhone camera?!
So here it is, the progress of my new thumb joint, taken over the last 7 weeks.
1 Day post surgery, horrible pain, nasty painkillers! Wanna be a zombie?! Take Tramadol :-S
1 Week post surgery, an intolerance to the painkillers was discovered, so off them, off with fat cast and on with a new lighter, prettier cast (oh and happy birthday to me)
4 Weeks post surgery, more pain, not good! Cast taken off and replaces with a much more boring one....then graffiti-ed as appropriate!
Day of 2nd surgery! Local anaesthetic, not fun but better than a general!
1 Day post 2nd surgery....pain good but my wrist looks tiny!!
1 Week post 2nd surgery. The new thumb joint gets some air!! Stitches out tomorrow then everyone hope and pray that I can move it!
More on life through my iPhone's eyes as it develops. This could be fun!!
Well, found out yesterday that I need surgery on my damaged wrist. Turns out my thumb has come out of its joint and needs to be reconstructed and made secure.
I'm scared.
It's under general anaesthetic and will involve taking a piece of tendon from my wrist to use on the joint. I hate having general anaesthetic, it scares me that I'm just asleep and I don't know whats going on. I also get very sick on it which I hate as I have a phobia of throwing up. I'm worried it'll go wrong. OK it's only my hand and not my leg of foot or something, it's not majorly career threatening but it's yet more time off, another 6 weeks.
This is becoming too much, I can't claim to be a dancer when I spend more time properly injured, or in chronic pain than I do actually dancing. I'm losing so much strength and I know my body is weak. I am close to giving up, I want to be a dancer so so so much! But I've had 6 serious injuries in the last 6 years:
Dislodged sacroiliac joint
Broken foot + surgery
Dislocated shoulder + further problems
Dislocated knee cap
Inflammation of my hip
Now the elbow and wrist breakages.
How am I supposed to get into a show and survive intense rehearsals if my body can't cope with normal dancing? I worry about this every day. There's quite a few auditions coming up, west end (Flashdance) and cruises all I should be doing but I can't!!
I get the life of a dancer is hard, people get injured but I've had my fill and I don't know what to do any more. Should I re-train in pure Musical Theatre? Go to somewhere like RAM, or Mountview or something? Do my Masters in MT so I can get my voice and acting stronger. This was I wouldn't be relying on my dancing to get me work. OK I can sing and act but no where near the standard needed. I'm being totally honest with myself, I know I'm not good enough, but I want it so badly!
I also want to look into Masters courses in America, New York specifically, but that costs money and their courses are usually 2 years and I don't wanna be back in education for that long. ARGH I don't know what to do. This is yet another blow for me, I know everyone I know is gonna think 'Oh she's injured again, she'll never make it'. People I meet, I say I'm a dancer but then have to explain that the only job I've had is Disney. I have friends in the West End already FFS.
Jack of all trades, master of none? I'm beginning to think it might be true. I'm a good dancer, when fully fit, ok singer, average actress, ok flautist and musician, average photographer. Nothing is exceptional. It needs to be in this world.
I've been spending time watching all my favourite MT and dance clips. They used to make me happy but now they just make me sad. Nothing inspires me anymore.
This is the only thing that inspires me at the moment. This is just a rehearsal. I saw this production of Hair on Broadway last year, and got to dance on stage with the cast. I can safely say it's the happiest I've ever been.
This is one of the most beautiful pieces of dance I've ever seen also.
So for now I feel lost. I suppose I need to get my body fixed before making any decisions, but I'm just waiting for the next thing to go wrong. I'm 2 years post-graduation, where's my big break?!
Ok so I've never done a blog before, but it gets to the stage where the thoughts in ones head really need an outlet, and a creative outlet is surely more produtive than the destructive powers some thoughts can have.
A bit about me....
I'll keep this minimal for now, but I'm a London girl about to move to Paris. The job I am moving for is not my dream job, nor is it a job I have always wanted....but it's a job none-the-less and in my industry as a dancer/singer etc you have to take what you're given. Yes so I could class myself as the following things:
Dancer Singer Actress Model (occasionally) Musician Receptionist- the obligatory day job for now
Jack of all trades master of none you ask? Maybe, but I love what I do. I've danced since the age of 3....thats 20 years now (do the maths). I'll fully admit I'm not the best dancer out there, nor the best singer but when you put me on a stage I am never happier. Performing has made the best and worst of me, it highlights my good points and niggles at my bad. It causes the frustrations that have led me to have an over active mind and subsequently led me to write this blog. Why do I love it so if it causes problems you ask...? If I could answer that then I wouldn't be the performer I am today and I wouldn't have certain qualities which make me unique.
So as I write this I have 3 weeks and 1 day until I board the Eurostar to Paris. Since May this year I have been working out the weeks until my departure, always marking one or two big events until 'It's getting close'...those events have passed, and now it's close. Scarily close. I have the suitcase ready- not packed yet of course- and am collecing boxes this afternoon to pack up my room. I've lived here for 4 years and I buy a lot. At the same time as moving to Paris, my father is also selling this house which I live in (yes Dad is landlord, good benefits), which means I'm packing everything and sorting what goes to Paris with me, what goes to Dad to store or to Mum's house to store....oh and what gets thrown away. I've taken endless amounts of clothing to charity, it makes me feel like I'm doing my bit for society and well, I wore some shocking clothes sometimes!
Leaving also means maming sure I see everyone before I go. My contract is only 4 months, but it's over Christmas so whilst seeing every family member I've ever spoken to isn't essential....I want to see as many people as possible. My brother recently moved to Dubai and arranging seeing each side of the family, when parent's aren't together and the other brother has 3 young kinds, isn't easy. I don't want a huge fuss but at the same time, I don't want people to forget about me (eternal fear by the way) so I'll pop by as many people as possible and have a coffee or dinner, something small. I've jsut spent a weekend with my mum in Dubai visiting my brother, and am about to spend a few days with my Dad back home....and squeezing in a few friends for coffee/drinks etc.
I actually could go on writing for a while, but time is pressing as always and I have to drive a couple of hours to get home. At least I can tick off one thing on my extensive To Do list.....the blog has been created.
